Poop

Lets be real. We all do it. So why are the public bathroom encounters so awkward? We’ve all done it, we may not have had a choice! But we have all pooped in a public bathroom.

Situation A: Oh Shit, there’s a line!

Okay, so this one probably only applies to the women. You’re rushing to the bathroom because your bowels are about to explode. What are you supposed to do?!? Clench your cheeks together like your life depends on it. But here is the second problem. The bathroom is populated with other people, and they are all going to hear you take a shit. How awkward is that? There are going to be farts and splashes and groans. Oh man. You go do your business, it was a messy one. What are you supposed to say to the person who is next in line and has to take your stall? “You gotta do what you gotta do, you know?” or how about a, “What?! It’s a natural bodily function!” or the classic, “Don’t die.” Then watch your prey go into the smelly chamber of secrets. You can hear her retching from inside that little stall. Poor girl. To the sink you go to wash your hands and observe the judgmental women who never poop (kelsi) exchange glances. Punch them in the face. Exit.

Situation B: Yes! I have the bathroom all to myself! Oh shit, someone’s coming!

This one is my favorite. It’s that awkward moment when you are in mid poop and someone else walks into the bathroom. What do you do? do you pretend that you aren’t there? Do you continue pooping like nothing is wrong? Do you carefully observe them like a trained spy by looking through the stall’s cracks? Oh! Here’s the best one, waiting until they flush to release the beast. That way the potentially loud fart and plop aren’t audible. Another common one is waiting until the bathroom is clear again before you exit the stall. Why would you do this? Why would you sit in our own stink waiting for other people to leave so that you don’t have to feel embarrassed while washing your hands? You gather up the fecal smell, and then everyone you pass in class or in the hallway knows you just took a dump instead of the one other person in the bathroom. The downside to this may be that this one person is that one person that no one likes because they blab everything. Yeah, then everyone will know you took a shit at school. OH. MY. GOD.

OH! and this is the worst. When those conceited girls walk into the bathroom mid-poop and are just talking and fixing their hair in front of the mirror, blocking all of the sinks so you would have to make contact with actual people before washing your hands. Oh man. The bathroom is such a great place!

Situation C: There is a teacher in the stall next to you grunting like a baby pig.

This one has actually happened to me. It was quite awkward to say the least. How was i supposed to contain my giggles? I didn’t. I finished my business and left. Then i proceeded to tweet that there was a teacher in the bathroom who was grunting. What else could i do? It was one of the funniest moments of my life!

Situation D: Two of you walk into the bathroom at the same time, neither speaking, but both listening.

I feel like this applies to pee-ers too. You both walk into the bathroom. You know who both of you are, but you aren’t exactly friends. you go into stalls that are at least one stall apart. You both are peeing. Neither of you speaking. Both of you can hear each other peeing. Then both of you finish at the same time and both of you wash your hands, not looking at each other in the mirror, and both exit without exchanging one word. AWKWARD!!! This situation is the funniest to me. I seriously try to make the other person feel as awkward as possible, whats the fun in not abusing this awkward situation? It lightens the mood! Though i don’t know why using the restroom makes such a dreary mood, everyone does it. But when you’re both pooping, you know that you are racing to try to get done first so that you can avoid contact with the other person and get the hell out of the bathroom before they realize who you are. But the awkward part is that you both do that, so the same situation commences as above! LOL. I mean think about it. you just tried to poop really fast so that you could avoid someone doing the exact same thing as you. I love bathroom encounters.

Situation E: You have that kind enough friend who goes with you to the bathroom even though you told her you needed to take a dump.

This friend is a keeper. Never do her wrong. Not only can she stand you at your finest moments in the bathroom, she can take your odor. This is something to cherish. Not everyone can handle you, you will come to learn one day. In fact, you might hear the girls in the bathroom that don’t ever pop because there is something physically wrong with them giggle at your relationship. No worries. The friend that isn’t pooping but is probably holding your water bottle will smack ‘em for ya. She’s a good friend. She will even probably turn on the sink for you so that everyone else doesn’t have to listen to you using the rest room. But lets be real, it isn’t for everyone else, it’s because you aren’t comfortable enough with your body to let it do what it needs to do without other people hearing. Come on. There are 4583740 stalls in the bathroom. Everyone uses them for the same purpose.

Okay, so these may have only happened to me, but i’m fairly certain that others have gone through similar experiences, especially women. LOL get over it. We poop. Everyone does. And sometimes you gotta go!

LOL i wrote 1050 words about poop.

Sarah=]